I just finished reading Elizabeth Davis and Debra Pascali-Bonaro's book titled "Orgasmic Birth." Davis and Pascali-Bonaro claim that pregnancy and childbirth parallel the experiences of foreplay and orgasm*.
Their perspective is refreshing because it is so different from the one popularly advertised: pregnancy as a medical "condition" ridden with unfortunate and embarrassing physiological changes or "symptoms" and childbirth as a painful, unbearable process (which, thanks to medical advancements, not all of us have to attempt, but which, for those of us who choose to endure it) is made worthwhile only by its result (i.e. the baby).
While I don't quite buy into the orgasmic birth concept** reading this book (and also having recently read Elizabeth Davis' other book titled "Women's Sexual Passages"***) has helped to quiet some of my original fears and anxiety around the task of giving birth. Having never personally witnessed a labor before and being the first among my friends to become pregnant, I had very little information on this topic 9 months ago. In fact, the only information I had on it was that which I had passively received from depictions of labor in the popular media (which, as I already stated, tend to be negative and SCARY).
Now, after having read a healthy collection of natural birth and obstetrics literature and viewed a number of birthing videos, I think I can say (without having personally experienced it) that I know (to some degree) what to expect. And what I expect is neither orgasmic (sorry Davis) nor scary (sorry everyone else); it is a natural, instinct-driven sensory experience that is physically challenging but not unbearable. And I am looking forward to it!
Any day now... :)
* Doing a bit of interpretation here: they never discuss foreplay, per se; however, their description of a woman's experience leading up to the labor and delivery of her baby bears resemblance (in my opinion) to some components of foreplay. For example, the authors suggest that the period of pregnancy is a time during which the woman must take care to become attuned to the sensations of her body and also to her emotions, turn off the analytic part of her brain, relax and open up, and prepare herself physically and emotionally for the experience of labor.
** I'll believe it when I feel it.
*** In this book, Davis claims pregnancy is a sexual "rite" of passage for a woman, in company with other rites such as menarche and menopause. She posits these are meaningful events in every woman's life and they must be celebrated to promote healthy self-esteem in women. Again, interesting stuff. Definitely hyper-feminist (not saying that there is anything wrong with that...), but a good read for its refreshing and different (I might go so far as to say empowering) perspective.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
My Un-Professional Medical Opinion
I think that I have a somewhat unique perspective on the progress (and treatment) of my pregnancy for a couple of reasons.
First, I have been educated in research design and interpretation (not medical, but applicable nevertheless). My education helps me to better understand and evaluate (not to mention, to proactively seek out and analyze) credible information regarding test results and the progress of my pregnancy. I've found that doctors don't usually share more information than is necessary to sway their patients toward the medically preferred* course of action. Therefore, if you want to make a wholly informed decision (one that is not biased by your doctor, the current medical fashions, or the pressures placed on the medical community), it's often necessary to seek additional information from outside credible sources to supplement what your doctor is telling you.
The rigid structure of prenatal care can make this difficult: the doctors often expect you to make your decision (read: to take their recommendation) at the same appointment, in which they provide you with the "relevant" (read: supportive of the medically preferred next step, ie shaded, one-sided) information. However, I've found that it's possible to delay just about any medical decision by at least one prenatal appointment and I do so frequently. It's a little frustrating for the doctors, but it gives me time to gather and evaluate all relevant information, thus making me feel more confident in my ultimate informed decision.
Second, I understand and feel comfortable putting my faith in statistics. This comes from both my research education and my many years of experience playing and analyzing poker hands. I understand that when there is a less that 1% chance that my baby will have <this>, the odds are pretty good (in fact, they are excellent) that my baby will not have <this>. In poker, if the odds are in your favor and you know this with a high degree of certainty, you (usually) continue with the hand you're holding. I don't see any reason why medical decisions should be treated differently.
Of course, I am less willing to gamble with my baby's life than with my money. But I find statistics reassuring. In the above example of 1%, I like my chances enough not to pursue further tests or, worse yet, to treat my baby with <choice of drug> in case she happens to be in the 1%. Especially in the latter case, 99% of the time I would be exposing a perfectly healthy baby to drugs where none are needed. This is something that I do not feel comfortable doing, but the doctors prefer it.
My medical team likes to cover all their bases and make even the most favorable odds better. In that interest, they err on the side of preventative care. When the doctors see that I am reluctant to take their recommended treatment because I "feel healthy" and/or I "like my odds" just fine, they don't hesitate to try different strategies for my manipulation. What works really well on a pregnant woman? Appealing to her (likely) emotionality and protective instinct. For example, they think that if they say something like "I've had a baby die because we didn't know to treat for <this>," then I will change my informed decision. I find this tactic to be under-handed and abusive, not to mention offensive. I imagine this works on a lot of expectant moms. However, thankfully, my rationality and faith in statistics are not easily rattled by proclamations like this.
As I already mentioned, my unique approach to receiving (read: critically analyzing and attempting to have a modicum of control over) my prenatal care somewhat frustrates the doctors responsible for my care. It also sometimes serves to make those around me nervous: how can I refuse treatment, am I being negligent, etc? Rightfully, people will form their own opinions about this. All I can say is this: I love my unborn baby (probably no less than or more than those who take a different perspective and approach to their prenatal care) and I am acting in what I believe to be (from intensive research and careful deliberation) her best interest.
First, I have been educated in research design and interpretation (not medical, but applicable nevertheless). My education helps me to better understand and evaluate (not to mention, to proactively seek out and analyze) credible information regarding test results and the progress of my pregnancy. I've found that doctors don't usually share more information than is necessary to sway their patients toward the medically preferred* course of action. Therefore, if you want to make a wholly informed decision (one that is not biased by your doctor, the current medical fashions, or the pressures placed on the medical community), it's often necessary to seek additional information from outside credible sources to supplement what your doctor is telling you.
The rigid structure of prenatal care can make this difficult: the doctors often expect you to make your decision (read: to take their recommendation) at the same appointment, in which they provide you with the "relevant" (read: supportive of the medically preferred next step, ie shaded, one-sided) information. However, I've found that it's possible to delay just about any medical decision by at least one prenatal appointment and I do so frequently. It's a little frustrating for the doctors, but it gives me time to gather and evaluate all relevant information, thus making me feel more confident in my ultimate informed decision.
Second, I understand and feel comfortable putting my faith in statistics. This comes from both my research education and my many years of experience playing and analyzing poker hands. I understand that when there is a less that 1% chance that my baby will have <this>, the odds are pretty good (in fact, they are excellent) that my baby will not have <this>. In poker, if the odds are in your favor and you know this with a high degree of certainty, you (usually) continue with the hand you're holding. I don't see any reason why medical decisions should be treated differently.
Of course, I am less willing to gamble with my baby's life than with my money. But I find statistics reassuring. In the above example of 1%, I like my chances enough not to pursue further tests or, worse yet, to treat my baby with <choice of drug> in case she happens to be in the 1%. Especially in the latter case, 99% of the time I would be exposing a perfectly healthy baby to drugs where none are needed. This is something that I do not feel comfortable doing, but the doctors prefer it.
My medical team likes to cover all their bases and make even the most favorable odds better. In that interest, they err on the side of preventative care. When the doctors see that I am reluctant to take their recommended treatment because I "feel healthy" and/or I "like my odds" just fine, they don't hesitate to try different strategies for my manipulation. What works really well on a pregnant woman? Appealing to her (likely) emotionality and protective instinct. For example, they think that if they say something like "I've had a baby die because we didn't know to treat for <this>," then I will change my informed decision. I find this tactic to be under-handed and abusive, not to mention offensive. I imagine this works on a lot of expectant moms. However, thankfully, my rationality and faith in statistics are not easily rattled by proclamations like this.
As I already mentioned, my unique approach to receiving (read: critically analyzing and attempting to have a modicum of control over) my prenatal care somewhat frustrates the doctors responsible for my care. It also sometimes serves to make those around me nervous: how can I refuse treatment, am I being negligent, etc? Rightfully, people will form their own opinions about this. All I can say is this: I love my unborn baby (probably no less than or more than those who take a different perspective and approach to their prenatal care) and I am acting in what I believe to be (from intensive research and careful deliberation) her best interest.
* From my experience, doctors' preferred course of action (at least in pregnancy care) is usually interventionist with a focus on proactive prevention rather than surveillant with a focus (after the fact) on the identification of symptoms and prescription of treatment.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Letter to My Daughter
Dear Holly,
My skinny baby. First, thank you for the Mother's Day card. That was very sweet of you to find a pen and willing body all the way in California to write what you wanted to say to me on paper. I appreciate both your efforts!
Thank you also for directing some nutrients to your legs to grow them nice and long. That effort is going to serve you well one day, when you're running energetically through the daydreams of young boys in our neighborhood.
I understand your hesitation to grow belly fat. I share the sentiment. You're a smart girl, so you're probably thinking it's no use storing lipids now in a place where you won't want them later in life. Of course, it seems like you'd be making extra work for yourself down the line. And, like your parents, you are probably interested in minimizing unnecessary effort. However, I want to assure you that it is okay to get a little pudgy around the mid-section. After all, you're a baby and, among other things, babies are thought to be cuter when they are round. I say that not to suggest that you should care deeply about what people think (you shouldn't), but to help you understand that being aesthetically pleasing is in your best interest: there are lots of studies that show that attractive people tend to have an easier time acquiring positions of power, for example.
Is power important to a baby? Absolutely! Think about it.
Now, the doctors are recommending that I keep you under the (Doppler) microscope so that we can monitor your growth. But, I don't want to do that to you. I have faith in you and trust that you will grow in precisely the way you intend and want to, naturally, and without the need for spectators. So, let's make a deal: I will trust you to spread the nutrients around to all areas of your body (so that you're healthy when you join me and daddy in the world) and you can count on me to keep the doctors out of your sanctuary until you show me that you are ready to come out.
Love,
Mommy
My skinny baby. First, thank you for the Mother's Day card. That was very sweet of you to find a pen and willing body all the way in California to write what you wanted to say to me on paper. I appreciate both your efforts!
Thank you also for directing some nutrients to your legs to grow them nice and long. That effort is going to serve you well one day, when you're running energetically through the daydreams of young boys in our neighborhood.
I understand your hesitation to grow belly fat. I share the sentiment. You're a smart girl, so you're probably thinking it's no use storing lipids now in a place where you won't want them later in life. Of course, it seems like you'd be making extra work for yourself down the line. And, like your parents, you are probably interested in minimizing unnecessary effort. However, I want to assure you that it is okay to get a little pudgy around the mid-section. After all, you're a baby and, among other things, babies are thought to be cuter when they are round. I say that not to suggest that you should care deeply about what people think (you shouldn't), but to help you understand that being aesthetically pleasing is in your best interest: there are lots of studies that show that attractive people tend to have an easier time acquiring positions of power, for example.
Is power important to a baby? Absolutely! Think about it.
Now, the doctors are recommending that I keep you under the (Doppler) microscope so that we can monitor your growth. But, I don't want to do that to you. I have faith in you and trust that you will grow in precisely the way you intend and want to, naturally, and without the need for spectators. So, let's make a deal: I will trust you to spread the nutrients around to all areas of your body (so that you're healthy when you join me and daddy in the world) and you can count on me to keep the doctors out of your sanctuary until you show me that you are ready to come out.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, May 9, 2011
3rd Trimester Sonogram & The (Assumed) Infallibility of Obstetricians and Lab Results
About three weeks ago, we had our third trimester sonogram for Holly. Among other things, the doctors use the third trimester sonogram to confirm their estimated delivery date (EDD) for the baby and to verify that (a) the baby is growing properly (or, as I understand it, according to the pattern that is typically observed in the population), (b) the amniotic fluid volume is sufficient to support further growth, and (c) the placenta appears normal and has not implanted at a place that would preclude natural delivery of the baby.
The results from the sonogram suggested that Holly is 2 weeks smaller than expected from her calculated gestational age. Naturally, the OB (who is trained to see pathologies, even where none exist) took this in one of the worst possible ways and suggested that my placenta may not be working properly. Note: the alternative explanations are that (a) the OB's EDD is wrong (wait - "OB" and "wrong" in the same sentence - but that's blasphemy!), (b) the fetus is perfectly normal but just smaller than typical (but that would imply that a degree of deviation from the norm is perfectly normal... weird!), (c) the ultrasound technician did a poor job with the measurements (perhaps due to being distracted or unmotivated that day; hey, it happens!), (d) the measurements are within the normal range of error and therefore normal (note: the ultrasound error rate for calculating gestational age is 2-4 weeks), or (e) there is a developmental abnormality in the fetus.
Per our doctor's insistence, we scheduled a follow-up sonogram for Holly, to allow the doctors to confirm and have peace of mind that she is in fact growing at an acceptable rate. They plan to do this by comparing the two sets of measurements. The follow-up sonogram is this afternoon.
I think that my little girl is already very smart. She heard the re-test was coming and decided to have a nice big growth spurt for the doctors over the weekend. I can tell because my baby bump grew into a baby mountain and I am now feeling her movements much more strongly, which suggests to me that she is crowding out the available space and no longer floating suspended in the middle of the amniotic fluid.
Attagirl!
If she's anything like her mother, she'll shoot the ultrasound technician a smug look at her re-test. :)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (Remainder of Book)
I just finished Amy Chua's "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" and have come away from the book with a few general reflections.
First, I respect and admire Amy for her resilience and selflessness as a mother. Some would argue that her aggressive and demanding parenting style is not in fact selfless (Chua even acknowledges this viewpoint in her book), but I see it as such. Much like my own mother (who, like Chua, is not American), Amy forfeited some independence and personal "fun" for the benefit of her daughters' proper (in her opinion) upbringing. I admire that. But what I admire even more is that Chua managed to do all of this while remaining productive in her career, running her household, taking care of two dogs, and planning frequent vacations and special events for her family. I am exhausted just thinking about all that she did, which leads me to my next point:
I can understand how a lot of parents would be reluctant to do what she did. Chua even admits that it wasn't fun for her to supervise piano and violin practices for several hours every day; obviously there were other things the woman could do. Every day she chose to be there for her children rather than to succumb to her personal desires. She chose to (on innumerable occasions) feel hated and resented by her daughters rather than to relent in the interest of feeling loved by them. I think it takes a very secure, self-assured person to do what she did; and certainly one with a solid long-term perspective.
Like any parent, Chua wanted to set her daughters up for future success. She had a coherent strategy for achieving this (which is probably more than most can say) and she had the determination and resilience to execute the strategy against all opposition (which is, again, probably more than most can say). She made mistakes along the way, but she was thoughtful enough to promptly realize those mistakes and re-evaluate her strategy, which leads me to my last point:
Whether or not she would agree with me, I believe that Chua achieved success* with both of her daughters using the "Chinese" parenting style. Here's why:
***SPOILER ALERT***
Although Lulu ultimately gave up the violin against her mother's wishes, she learned and internalized the qualities for success that her mother instilled in her during the violin years: ambition, determination, passion, perseverance, and lots of practice. Toward the end of the book, after she takes up tennis, it becomes clear that Lulu is applying these skills to challenge herself to become a great tennis player. Lulu demonstrates that she is driven to succeed, just not in the activity that her mother had desired for her. The desire to be better (and to eventually be the best) and the knowledge of how to achieve her goals are qualities that will get Lulu far. I don't believe it's a question of "Western" vs "Chinese" but I do think that it was because of Chua's high expectations of her daughters that they learned to expect so much of themselves.
On the whole, Chua's book was entertaining and inspiring** to read. I enjoyed reading it for its unique perspective, especially because Chua seems to be an intelligent and thoughtful person and proved capable of offering strong arguments in support of her claims***. Her actions are quite radical when evaluated against those typical in "Western" culture, but they are reasonable and never incongruent with her long-term goals****.
* I suspect Chua would disagree because of her inability to control Lulu and Lulu's public defiance, which as she says is uncharacteristic of a well-raised "Chinese" daughter.
** Inspiring not in the sense that it has convinced me to raise my daughter the "Chinese" way, but in the sense that it's gotten me to think about what kind of mother I want to be and how much I want to invest in my children's future success but also in their happiness, in my happiness, etc.
*** Yes, I believe her arguments were strong.
**** At least, this is the depiction I get from the book. I understand the author in writing the book may have provided a biased account for some of the stories.
First, I respect and admire Amy for her resilience and selflessness as a mother. Some would argue that her aggressive and demanding parenting style is not in fact selfless (Chua even acknowledges this viewpoint in her book), but I see it as such. Much like my own mother (who, like Chua, is not American), Amy forfeited some independence and personal "fun" for the benefit of her daughters' proper (in her opinion) upbringing. I admire that. But what I admire even more is that Chua managed to do all of this while remaining productive in her career, running her household, taking care of two dogs, and planning frequent vacations and special events for her family. I am exhausted just thinking about all that she did, which leads me to my next point:
I can understand how a lot of parents would be reluctant to do what she did. Chua even admits that it wasn't fun for her to supervise piano and violin practices for several hours every day; obviously there were other things the woman could do. Every day she chose to be there for her children rather than to succumb to her personal desires. She chose to (on innumerable occasions) feel hated and resented by her daughters rather than to relent in the interest of feeling loved by them. I think it takes a very secure, self-assured person to do what she did; and certainly one with a solid long-term perspective.
Like any parent, Chua wanted to set her daughters up for future success. She had a coherent strategy for achieving this (which is probably more than most can say) and she had the determination and resilience to execute the strategy against all opposition (which is, again, probably more than most can say). She made mistakes along the way, but she was thoughtful enough to promptly realize those mistakes and re-evaluate her strategy, which leads me to my last point:
Whether or not she would agree with me, I believe that Chua achieved success* with both of her daughters using the "Chinese" parenting style. Here's why:
***SPOILER ALERT***
Although Lulu ultimately gave up the violin against her mother's wishes, she learned and internalized the qualities for success that her mother instilled in her during the violin years: ambition, determination, passion, perseverance, and lots of practice. Toward the end of the book, after she takes up tennis, it becomes clear that Lulu is applying these skills to challenge herself to become a great tennis player. Lulu demonstrates that she is driven to succeed, just not in the activity that her mother had desired for her. The desire to be better (and to eventually be the best) and the knowledge of how to achieve her goals are qualities that will get Lulu far. I don't believe it's a question of "Western" vs "Chinese" but I do think that it was because of Chua's high expectations of her daughters that they learned to expect so much of themselves.
On the whole, Chua's book was entertaining and inspiring** to read. I enjoyed reading it for its unique perspective, especially because Chua seems to be an intelligent and thoughtful person and proved capable of offering strong arguments in support of her claims***. Her actions are quite radical when evaluated against those typical in "Western" culture, but they are reasonable and never incongruent with her long-term goals****.
* I suspect Chua would disagree because of her inability to control Lulu and Lulu's public defiance, which as she says is uncharacteristic of a well-raised "Chinese" daughter.
** Inspiring not in the sense that it has convinced me to raise my daughter the "Chinese" way, but in the sense that it's gotten me to think about what kind of mother I want to be and how much I want to invest in my children's future success but also in their happiness, in my happiness, etc.
*** Yes, I believe her arguments were strong.
**** At least, this is the depiction I get from the book. I understand the author in writing the book may have provided a biased account for some of the stories.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Note to Readers and Must-Buy Reference Books re: Childbirth and Breastfeeding
When I worked as a business analyst, I tracked my projects, hours, and output weekly. I regularly saw results for my effort and my workload was ever-changing thanks to my (often times) swift resolution of open projects. For 9 hours a day, I maintained a high level of productivity for the company to meet the demands of my job and I found even the most seemingly arduous objectives attainable under the stresses of the work environment.
By design, my life is no longer stressful nor demanding. I am reminded to enjoy it while it lasts.* However, I can't help but actively look for ways in which I can measure my successes and achieve a sense of accomplishment from my daily work. The household tasks are easy and un-interesting to me; and there is, fortunately for my husband and our finances, only so much baby shopping that I can take.
Being output-oriented, I have tied my personal feeling of success somewhat to the publication of these blog posts. Lately, my blogging has become less frequent because of the time I am spending on intellectual pursuits not related to parenting.** However, I find this writing personally valuable as it helps me to organize and crystallize my thoughts; therefore, as a note to readers I'd like to say that, I will soon start to publish posts related to other subjects of interest as well.*** I'll include the topic in the post title for clarity.
I started this blog with a focus on parenting, but now I see that I have put the cart before the horse, so to speak. I took a step back this month and have re-focused myself on breastfeeding and the process of natural childbirth. To that end, I've been reading these books: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by Wiessinger, West, and Pitman of La Leche League International (LLLI) and The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. I have read at least 100 pages of each so far and am very happy with their content and with the perspectives depicted therein.
I try not to buy any books that I can rent from the library, but I saw very much value in personally owning both of these: they are very detailed on their subjects; they are quick to read and easy to understand; and they are organized well to serve as reference books, so that you can read and refer back to parts as they become relevant in your experience.
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding is written by mothers (members of LLLI) and covers all aspects of breastfeeding (obviously) as well as the benefits of belonging to a network of mothers, such as LLLI. The book is written from the perspective that what's natural is best for both the baby and the mother: LLLI encourages (and provides much evidential support for) breastfeeding (versus formula feeding) and for staying home and personally caring for your infant. However, I should note that they do also offer what appears to me to be useful advice for mothers who must return to work as well (on how to manage the transition, etc).
The Birth Partner is written for expecting dads, doulas, and other labor companions. We bought it for Kyle, but I am finding it very informative (and comforting to read at this time) as well.**** It gives a very detailed description of natural labor at all stages (something that, from my experience and understanding, medical professionals don't care to spend time informing women about). It also gives helpful information related to labor and delivery, such as what to take to the hospital or birthing center, possible labor complications and ways to manage them, the effects of labor medications, and how to get started with breastfeeding. One of the biggest messages throughout the book is that labor is a natural process and that natural, vaginal delivery is easier for a mother that feels supported, calm, and optimistic. Penny Simkin gives the reader a variety of tools with which to ensure the latter.
After reading Simkin's depiction of the natural progression of labor, I can see how a mother and her labor companions can be quickly overwhelmed by the experience if they lack the knowledge of what to expect. I would highly recommend this book to all expecting mothers, fathers, and labor companions (or, really, anyone who wants to be able to understand and empathize with a woman who's going through labor). Those considering an elective C-section for fear of natural delivery would also benefit from reading this book (at least in the sense that the unknown would become demystified and they would be able to make an informed decision about their method of delivery).*****
* Apparently, babies can make life chaotic.
** I constrained this blog only to that subject in the beginning and have been reluctant to change that.
*** Probably a welcome change for most of you. ;-)
**** It is very important to me and Kyle that I deliver our baby naturally. We looked into delivering in the care of a midwifery group versus an obstetrician (in short and among other things, midwives have much lower C-section rates than OBs); but were thwarted from this pursuit by the combined factors that (a) our insurance is not accepted by neighboring midwifery practices and (b) we do not feel that the difference in treatment is worth the significant increase in labor costs. We spent a lot of time on this important decision and I'd like to discuss it at length in a separate post. If you find this intriguing, stay tuned; I'll have that up in a few days.
***** If it's not clear by now, I tend to place a lot of value on informed decision-making.
By design, my life is no longer stressful nor demanding. I am reminded to enjoy it while it lasts.* However, I can't help but actively look for ways in which I can measure my successes and achieve a sense of accomplishment from my daily work. The household tasks are easy and un-interesting to me; and there is, fortunately for my husband and our finances, only so much baby shopping that I can take.
Being output-oriented, I have tied my personal feeling of success somewhat to the publication of these blog posts. Lately, my blogging has become less frequent because of the time I am spending on intellectual pursuits not related to parenting.** However, I find this writing personally valuable as it helps me to organize and crystallize my thoughts; therefore, as a note to readers I'd like to say that, I will soon start to publish posts related to other subjects of interest as well.*** I'll include the topic in the post title for clarity.
I started this blog with a focus on parenting, but now I see that I have put the cart before the horse, so to speak. I took a step back this month and have re-focused myself on breastfeeding and the process of natural childbirth. To that end, I've been reading these books: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by Wiessinger, West, and Pitman of La Leche League International (LLLI) and The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. I have read at least 100 pages of each so far and am very happy with their content and with the perspectives depicted therein.
I try not to buy any books that I can rent from the library, but I saw very much value in personally owning both of these: they are very detailed on their subjects; they are quick to read and easy to understand; and they are organized well to serve as reference books, so that you can read and refer back to parts as they become relevant in your experience.
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding is written by mothers (members of LLLI) and covers all aspects of breastfeeding (obviously) as well as the benefits of belonging to a network of mothers, such as LLLI. The book is written from the perspective that what's natural is best for both the baby and the mother: LLLI encourages (and provides much evidential support for) breastfeeding (versus formula feeding) and for staying home and personally caring for your infant. However, I should note that they do also offer what appears to me to be useful advice for mothers who must return to work as well (on how to manage the transition, etc).
The Birth Partner is written for expecting dads, doulas, and other labor companions. We bought it for Kyle, but I am finding it very informative (and comforting to read at this time) as well.**** It gives a very detailed description of natural labor at all stages (something that, from my experience and understanding, medical professionals don't care to spend time informing women about). It also gives helpful information related to labor and delivery, such as what to take to the hospital or birthing center, possible labor complications and ways to manage them, the effects of labor medications, and how to get started with breastfeeding. One of the biggest messages throughout the book is that labor is a natural process and that natural, vaginal delivery is easier for a mother that feels supported, calm, and optimistic. Penny Simkin gives the reader a variety of tools with which to ensure the latter.
After reading Simkin's depiction of the natural progression of labor, I can see how a mother and her labor companions can be quickly overwhelmed by the experience if they lack the knowledge of what to expect. I would highly recommend this book to all expecting mothers, fathers, and labor companions (or, really, anyone who wants to be able to understand and empathize with a woman who's going through labor). Those considering an elective C-section for fear of natural delivery would also benefit from reading this book (at least in the sense that the unknown would become demystified and they would be able to make an informed decision about their method of delivery).*****
* Apparently, babies can make life chaotic.
** I constrained this blog only to that subject in the beginning and have been reluctant to change that.
*** Probably a welcome change for most of you. ;-)
**** It is very important to me and Kyle that I deliver our baby naturally. We looked into delivering in the care of a midwifery group versus an obstetrician (in short and among other things, midwives have much lower C-section rates than OBs); but were thwarted from this pursuit by the combined factors that (a) our insurance is not accepted by neighboring midwifery practices and (b) we do not feel that the difference in treatment is worth the significant increase in labor costs. We spent a lot of time on this important decision and I'd like to discuss it at length in a separate post. If you find this intriguing, stay tuned; I'll have that up in a few days.
***** If it's not clear by now, I tend to place a lot of value on informed decision-making.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Unconditional Parenting
As was the case during my undergraduate education, the more I read nowadays, the less satisfied I feel with what I know (and I consider myself fairly well informed and well calibrated in that assessment). This past month, I varied my reading and activities to keep my interest in parenting literature alive. It seems like every writer has a comprehensive system to offer, and everyone who's ever raised a child also has convictions (formed from experience that is not necessarily generalizable, but from which they generalize nevertheless) about what works and doesn't.
I personally look forward to finding out what works and doesn't work with my own child, in my own way. I would like to, and believe that I will benefit from, developing my own parenting style and perspective. I also know that my style will be unique, but also informed by the synthesis of my reading and the personal experiences others have shared with me. I understand the enormity of the responsibility and privilege placed upon me and do not take it lightly. But I also don't intend to approach parenting with a comprehensive system or fully stocked nursery.
Why?
Because I think that a large (and important) part of parenting is responding to your child's needs. In order to do that, you must be attuned to your child, have an open mind, and have the means to acquire what is necessary to satisfy the child's needs. As my husband succinctly put it last night, having a room full of "stuff" and your personal judgment clouded by functional fixedness limits your creativity in responding to your child.
If you are an emotionally intelligent and resilient person, with a solid understanding of human nature, a healthy supply of patience, humility, and love, strong deductive and inductive reasoning powers, and the freedom to concentrate on the new, exciting, and very important task of parenting, then you are capable of being an outstanding parent. If you have deficits*, all the "stuff" in the world will not make up for them (and it is my belief that some of the "stuff" will actually exacerbate the situation). Being introspective with an orientation toward learning is the key toward self-improvement and also toward better parenting (in my opinion).
Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting had some influence on the views expressed above and, for that, deserves some credit**. Kohn offers a unique perspective on parenting; with strong and plentiful arguments in opposition of traditional parenting practices such as reward and punishment (which he rejects in favor of love and reason). Kohn does not constrain the scope of his instruction to children of a certain age nor does he organize his prescriptions in a manner that clearly communicates the different nuances at various ages; this, I believe, does a disservice to the reader because it requires him or her to identify, logically organize, and recognize those nuances for him- or herself. However, Kohn does explicitly state that the strategy and application changes through the various stages of development and that parents should use the age-appropriate response.
"That's all good and well in practice, but how does it work in theory?" (University of Chicago T-Shirt)
Kohn makes a lot of good arguments against the practices traditionally employed in parenting, due to the fact they are supported by flawed theory and demonstrated to achieve negative or inferior, unintended (and at times opposite from intended) outcomes. In place of the flawed theory of parenting and the mostly effective (at least in the immediate sense, in getting kids to do what you want) practices, he offers a perfect (in his and my opinions) theory of parenting. Sadly the perfect theory (as many perfect theories) is challenging to practice. The challenge posed in this case, I believe, is mostly due to the fact that unconditional parenting requires parents to give up a large amount of control (and who doesn't like control?).
Kohn encourages parents to have humility, respect, patience, and love for their children, so much so that they put the kids' needs and feelings above their own, keeping themselves grounded by asking questions like "How important is my request that they do 'x' right now in the grand scheme of things?" and "Is my request reasonable and aimed at accomplishing my long-term goals for my kids or is it rather a request that is self-centered, aimed merely at controlling the present behavior of the child?"
Kohn asks us to evaluate the message we are sending to our children when, for example, we (their parents / the only people who are biologically programmed to love them) intentionally inflict pain upon them (call it punishment, consequences, time-out, or by any other name...).
"How we feel about our kids isn't as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them" (Unconditional Parenting, pg. 20).
We may say we love our kids unconditionally, but when we put them on time-out (for example), their experience of that love is that it is conditional: we are withholding our love for the fact that they did something that didn't please us.
I think the strongest arguments Kohn makes against punishment are 1. that it causes negative emotions, 2. that it erodes the parent-child relationship, and 3. that the fear of punishment will make the child self-interested and self-centered in his or her evaluation of whether to perform an action (ie. the child won't do 'x' because he or she fears punishment instead of for the superior reason that 'x' will cause someone else pain or sadness).
There are a few other notable prescriptions made by Kohn that I would be remiss to exclude from this post:
- Talk less, ask more. Avoid offering approval or judgment; describe and invite reflection instead.
- Respect and seek to understand the child's perspective always. Otherwise you may ascribe ill intentions to your child and, because your negative evaluation is likely to be understood by the child, this may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy!
- Help your kids construct solid arguments. Even if their argument will not win, they will benefit from being better at respectfully arguing their position.
I would highly recommend Alfie Kohn's book to any parent. His writing and content shows that he has considered his prescriptions and their opposing arguments from all angles and can talk intelligently on the subjects of parental love and discipline. Even if you don't buy into "unconditional parenting" as a comprehensive system for child-rearing, reading this book you will be moved to consider one intelligent person's informed and worthwhile*** perspective on the subjects of love and punishment. And, I dare say, that consideration will change you for the better.
* I am using "you" and "deficits" in a non-judgmental way here. I do not aim to impose my definition of deficiency on you nor do I care to pass judgment on whether you are deficient. That's for you to decide.
** Obviously, I believe the writer deserves positive credit for his contribution to my views (which I believe are lucid). If you disagree with the views, then for you the credit owed to Mr. Kohn would be negative.
*** In my opinion.
I personally look forward to finding out what works and doesn't work with my own child, in my own way. I would like to, and believe that I will benefit from, developing my own parenting style and perspective. I also know that my style will be unique, but also informed by the synthesis of my reading and the personal experiences others have shared with me. I understand the enormity of the responsibility and privilege placed upon me and do not take it lightly. But I also don't intend to approach parenting with a comprehensive system or fully stocked nursery.
Why?
Because I think that a large (and important) part of parenting is responding to your child's needs. In order to do that, you must be attuned to your child, have an open mind, and have the means to acquire what is necessary to satisfy the child's needs. As my husband succinctly put it last night, having a room full of "stuff" and your personal judgment clouded by functional fixedness limits your creativity in responding to your child.
If you are an emotionally intelligent and resilient person, with a solid understanding of human nature, a healthy supply of patience, humility, and love, strong deductive and inductive reasoning powers, and the freedom to concentrate on the new, exciting, and very important task of parenting, then you are capable of being an outstanding parent. If you have deficits*, all the "stuff" in the world will not make up for them (and it is my belief that some of the "stuff" will actually exacerbate the situation). Being introspective with an orientation toward learning is the key toward self-improvement and also toward better parenting (in my opinion).
Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting had some influence on the views expressed above and, for that, deserves some credit**. Kohn offers a unique perspective on parenting; with strong and plentiful arguments in opposition of traditional parenting practices such as reward and punishment (which he rejects in favor of love and reason). Kohn does not constrain the scope of his instruction to children of a certain age nor does he organize his prescriptions in a manner that clearly communicates the different nuances at various ages; this, I believe, does a disservice to the reader because it requires him or her to identify, logically organize, and recognize those nuances for him- or herself. However, Kohn does explicitly state that the strategy and application changes through the various stages of development and that parents should use the age-appropriate response.
"That's all good and well in practice, but how does it work in theory?" (University of Chicago T-Shirt)
Kohn makes a lot of good arguments against the practices traditionally employed in parenting, due to the fact they are supported by flawed theory and demonstrated to achieve negative or inferior, unintended (and at times opposite from intended) outcomes. In place of the flawed theory of parenting and the mostly effective (at least in the immediate sense, in getting kids to do what you want) practices, he offers a perfect (in his and my opinions) theory of parenting. Sadly the perfect theory (as many perfect theories) is challenging to practice. The challenge posed in this case, I believe, is mostly due to the fact that unconditional parenting requires parents to give up a large amount of control (and who doesn't like control?).
Kohn encourages parents to have humility, respect, patience, and love for their children, so much so that they put the kids' needs and feelings above their own, keeping themselves grounded by asking questions like "How important is my request that they do 'x' right now in the grand scheme of things?" and "Is my request reasonable and aimed at accomplishing my long-term goals for my kids or is it rather a request that is self-centered, aimed merely at controlling the present behavior of the child?"
Kohn asks us to evaluate the message we are sending to our children when, for example, we (their parents / the only people who are biologically programmed to love them) intentionally inflict pain upon them (call it punishment, consequences, time-out, or by any other name...).
"How we feel about our kids isn't as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them" (Unconditional Parenting, pg. 20).
We may say we love our kids unconditionally, but when we put them on time-out (for example), their experience of that love is that it is conditional: we are withholding our love for the fact that they did something that didn't please us.
I think the strongest arguments Kohn makes against punishment are 1. that it causes negative emotions, 2. that it erodes the parent-child relationship, and 3. that the fear of punishment will make the child self-interested and self-centered in his or her evaluation of whether to perform an action (ie. the child won't do 'x' because he or she fears punishment instead of for the superior reason that 'x' will cause someone else pain or sadness).
There are a few other notable prescriptions made by Kohn that I would be remiss to exclude from this post:
- Talk less, ask more. Avoid offering approval or judgment; describe and invite reflection instead.
- Respect and seek to understand the child's perspective always. Otherwise you may ascribe ill intentions to your child and, because your negative evaluation is likely to be understood by the child, this may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy!
- Help your kids construct solid arguments. Even if their argument will not win, they will benefit from being better at respectfully arguing their position.
I would highly recommend Alfie Kohn's book to any parent. His writing and content shows that he has considered his prescriptions and their opposing arguments from all angles and can talk intelligently on the subjects of parental love and discipline. Even if you don't buy into "unconditional parenting" as a comprehensive system for child-rearing, reading this book you will be moved to consider one intelligent person's informed and worthwhile*** perspective on the subjects of love and punishment. And, I dare say, that consideration will change you for the better.
* I am using "you" and "deficits" in a non-judgmental way here. I do not aim to impose my definition of deficiency on you nor do I care to pass judgment on whether you are deficient. That's for you to decide.
** Obviously, I believe the writer deserves positive credit for his contribution to my views (which I believe are lucid). If you disagree with the views, then for you the credit owed to Mr. Kohn would be negative.
*** In my opinion.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)