I just finished Amy Chua's "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" and have come away from the book with a few general reflections.
First, I respect and admire Amy for her resilience and selflessness as a mother. Some would argue that her aggressive and demanding parenting style is not in fact selfless (Chua even acknowledges this viewpoint in her book), but I see it as such. Much like my own mother (who, like Chua, is not American), Amy forfeited some independence and personal "fun" for the benefit of her daughters' proper (in her opinion) upbringing. I admire that. But what I admire even more is that Chua managed to do all of this while remaining productive in her career, running her household, taking care of two dogs, and planning frequent vacations and special events for her family. I am exhausted just thinking about all that she did, which leads me to my next point:
I can understand how a lot of parents would be reluctant to do what she did. Chua even admits that it wasn't fun for her to supervise piano and violin practices for several hours every day; obviously there were other things the woman could do. Every day she chose to be there for her children rather than to succumb to her personal desires. She chose to (on innumerable occasions) feel hated and resented by her daughters rather than to relent in the interest of feeling loved by them. I think it takes a very secure, self-assured person to do what she did; and certainly one with a solid long-term perspective.
Like any parent, Chua wanted to set her daughters up for future success. She had a coherent strategy for achieving this (which is probably more than most can say) and she had the determination and resilience to execute the strategy against all opposition (which is, again, probably more than most can say). She made mistakes along the way, but she was thoughtful enough to promptly realize those mistakes and re-evaluate her strategy, which leads me to my last point:
Whether or not she would agree with me, I believe that Chua achieved success* with both of her daughters using the "Chinese" parenting style. Here's why:
***SPOILER ALERT***
Although Lulu ultimately gave up the violin against her mother's wishes, she learned and internalized the qualities for success that her mother instilled in her during the violin years: ambition, determination, passion, perseverance, and lots of practice. Toward the end of the book, after she takes up tennis, it becomes clear that Lulu is applying these skills to challenge herself to become a great tennis player. Lulu demonstrates that she is driven to succeed, just not in the activity that her mother had desired for her. The desire to be better (and to eventually be the best) and the knowledge of how to achieve her goals are qualities that will get Lulu far. I don't believe it's a question of "Western" vs "Chinese" but I do think that it was because of Chua's high expectations of her daughters that they learned to expect so much of themselves.
On the whole, Chua's book was entertaining and inspiring** to read. I enjoyed reading it for its unique perspective, especially because Chua seems to be an intelligent and thoughtful person and proved capable of offering strong arguments in support of her claims***. Her actions are quite radical when evaluated against those typical in "Western" culture, but they are reasonable and never incongruent with her long-term goals****.
* I suspect Chua would disagree because of her inability to control Lulu and Lulu's public defiance, which as she says is uncharacteristic of a well-raised "Chinese" daughter.
** Inspiring not in the sense that it has convinced me to raise my daughter the "Chinese" way, but in the sense that it's gotten me to think about what kind of mother I want to be and how much I want to invest in my children's future success but also in their happiness, in my happiness, etc.
*** Yes, I believe her arguments were strong.
**** At least, this is the depiction I get from the book. I understand the author in writing the book may have provided a biased account for some of the stories.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Note to Readers and Must-Buy Reference Books re: Childbirth and Breastfeeding
When I worked as a business analyst, I tracked my projects, hours, and output weekly. I regularly saw results for my effort and my workload was ever-changing thanks to my (often times) swift resolution of open projects. For 9 hours a day, I maintained a high level of productivity for the company to meet the demands of my job and I found even the most seemingly arduous objectives attainable under the stresses of the work environment.
By design, my life is no longer stressful nor demanding. I am reminded to enjoy it while it lasts.* However, I can't help but actively look for ways in which I can measure my successes and achieve a sense of accomplishment from my daily work. The household tasks are easy and un-interesting to me; and there is, fortunately for my husband and our finances, only so much baby shopping that I can take.
Being output-oriented, I have tied my personal feeling of success somewhat to the publication of these blog posts. Lately, my blogging has become less frequent because of the time I am spending on intellectual pursuits not related to parenting.** However, I find this writing personally valuable as it helps me to organize and crystallize my thoughts; therefore, as a note to readers I'd like to say that, I will soon start to publish posts related to other subjects of interest as well.*** I'll include the topic in the post title for clarity.
I started this blog with a focus on parenting, but now I see that I have put the cart before the horse, so to speak. I took a step back this month and have re-focused myself on breastfeeding and the process of natural childbirth. To that end, I've been reading these books: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by Wiessinger, West, and Pitman of La Leche League International (LLLI) and The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. I have read at least 100 pages of each so far and am very happy with their content and with the perspectives depicted therein.
I try not to buy any books that I can rent from the library, but I saw very much value in personally owning both of these: they are very detailed on their subjects; they are quick to read and easy to understand; and they are organized well to serve as reference books, so that you can read and refer back to parts as they become relevant in your experience.
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding is written by mothers (members of LLLI) and covers all aspects of breastfeeding (obviously) as well as the benefits of belonging to a network of mothers, such as LLLI. The book is written from the perspective that what's natural is best for both the baby and the mother: LLLI encourages (and provides much evidential support for) breastfeeding (versus formula feeding) and for staying home and personally caring for your infant. However, I should note that they do also offer what appears to me to be useful advice for mothers who must return to work as well (on how to manage the transition, etc).
The Birth Partner is written for expecting dads, doulas, and other labor companions. We bought it for Kyle, but I am finding it very informative (and comforting to read at this time) as well.**** It gives a very detailed description of natural labor at all stages (something that, from my experience and understanding, medical professionals don't care to spend time informing women about). It also gives helpful information related to labor and delivery, such as what to take to the hospital or birthing center, possible labor complications and ways to manage them, the effects of labor medications, and how to get started with breastfeeding. One of the biggest messages throughout the book is that labor is a natural process and that natural, vaginal delivery is easier for a mother that feels supported, calm, and optimistic. Penny Simkin gives the reader a variety of tools with which to ensure the latter.
After reading Simkin's depiction of the natural progression of labor, I can see how a mother and her labor companions can be quickly overwhelmed by the experience if they lack the knowledge of what to expect. I would highly recommend this book to all expecting mothers, fathers, and labor companions (or, really, anyone who wants to be able to understand and empathize with a woman who's going through labor). Those considering an elective C-section for fear of natural delivery would also benefit from reading this book (at least in the sense that the unknown would become demystified and they would be able to make an informed decision about their method of delivery).*****
* Apparently, babies can make life chaotic.
** I constrained this blog only to that subject in the beginning and have been reluctant to change that.
*** Probably a welcome change for most of you. ;-)
**** It is very important to me and Kyle that I deliver our baby naturally. We looked into delivering in the care of a midwifery group versus an obstetrician (in short and among other things, midwives have much lower C-section rates than OBs); but were thwarted from this pursuit by the combined factors that (a) our insurance is not accepted by neighboring midwifery practices and (b) we do not feel that the difference in treatment is worth the significant increase in labor costs. We spent a lot of time on this important decision and I'd like to discuss it at length in a separate post. If you find this intriguing, stay tuned; I'll have that up in a few days.
***** If it's not clear by now, I tend to place a lot of value on informed decision-making.
By design, my life is no longer stressful nor demanding. I am reminded to enjoy it while it lasts.* However, I can't help but actively look for ways in which I can measure my successes and achieve a sense of accomplishment from my daily work. The household tasks are easy and un-interesting to me; and there is, fortunately for my husband and our finances, only so much baby shopping that I can take.
Being output-oriented, I have tied my personal feeling of success somewhat to the publication of these blog posts. Lately, my blogging has become less frequent because of the time I am spending on intellectual pursuits not related to parenting.** However, I find this writing personally valuable as it helps me to organize and crystallize my thoughts; therefore, as a note to readers I'd like to say that, I will soon start to publish posts related to other subjects of interest as well.*** I'll include the topic in the post title for clarity.
I started this blog with a focus on parenting, but now I see that I have put the cart before the horse, so to speak. I took a step back this month and have re-focused myself on breastfeeding and the process of natural childbirth. To that end, I've been reading these books: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by Wiessinger, West, and Pitman of La Leche League International (LLLI) and The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. I have read at least 100 pages of each so far and am very happy with their content and with the perspectives depicted therein.
I try not to buy any books that I can rent from the library, but I saw very much value in personally owning both of these: they are very detailed on their subjects; they are quick to read and easy to understand; and they are organized well to serve as reference books, so that you can read and refer back to parts as they become relevant in your experience.
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding is written by mothers (members of LLLI) and covers all aspects of breastfeeding (obviously) as well as the benefits of belonging to a network of mothers, such as LLLI. The book is written from the perspective that what's natural is best for both the baby and the mother: LLLI encourages (and provides much evidential support for) breastfeeding (versus formula feeding) and for staying home and personally caring for your infant. However, I should note that they do also offer what appears to me to be useful advice for mothers who must return to work as well (on how to manage the transition, etc).
The Birth Partner is written for expecting dads, doulas, and other labor companions. We bought it for Kyle, but I am finding it very informative (and comforting to read at this time) as well.**** It gives a very detailed description of natural labor at all stages (something that, from my experience and understanding, medical professionals don't care to spend time informing women about). It also gives helpful information related to labor and delivery, such as what to take to the hospital or birthing center, possible labor complications and ways to manage them, the effects of labor medications, and how to get started with breastfeeding. One of the biggest messages throughout the book is that labor is a natural process and that natural, vaginal delivery is easier for a mother that feels supported, calm, and optimistic. Penny Simkin gives the reader a variety of tools with which to ensure the latter.
After reading Simkin's depiction of the natural progression of labor, I can see how a mother and her labor companions can be quickly overwhelmed by the experience if they lack the knowledge of what to expect. I would highly recommend this book to all expecting mothers, fathers, and labor companions (or, really, anyone who wants to be able to understand and empathize with a woman who's going through labor). Those considering an elective C-section for fear of natural delivery would also benefit from reading this book (at least in the sense that the unknown would become demystified and they would be able to make an informed decision about their method of delivery).*****
* Apparently, babies can make life chaotic.
** I constrained this blog only to that subject in the beginning and have been reluctant to change that.
*** Probably a welcome change for most of you. ;-)
**** It is very important to me and Kyle that I deliver our baby naturally. We looked into delivering in the care of a midwifery group versus an obstetrician (in short and among other things, midwives have much lower C-section rates than OBs); but were thwarted from this pursuit by the combined factors that (a) our insurance is not accepted by neighboring midwifery practices and (b) we do not feel that the difference in treatment is worth the significant increase in labor costs. We spent a lot of time on this important decision and I'd like to discuss it at length in a separate post. If you find this intriguing, stay tuned; I'll have that up in a few days.
***** If it's not clear by now, I tend to place a lot of value on informed decision-making.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Unconditional Parenting
As was the case during my undergraduate education, the more I read nowadays, the less satisfied I feel with what I know (and I consider myself fairly well informed and well calibrated in that assessment). This past month, I varied my reading and activities to keep my interest in parenting literature alive. It seems like every writer has a comprehensive system to offer, and everyone who's ever raised a child also has convictions (formed from experience that is not necessarily generalizable, but from which they generalize nevertheless) about what works and doesn't.
I personally look forward to finding out what works and doesn't work with my own child, in my own way. I would like to, and believe that I will benefit from, developing my own parenting style and perspective. I also know that my style will be unique, but also informed by the synthesis of my reading and the personal experiences others have shared with me. I understand the enormity of the responsibility and privilege placed upon me and do not take it lightly. But I also don't intend to approach parenting with a comprehensive system or fully stocked nursery.
Why?
Because I think that a large (and important) part of parenting is responding to your child's needs. In order to do that, you must be attuned to your child, have an open mind, and have the means to acquire what is necessary to satisfy the child's needs. As my husband succinctly put it last night, having a room full of "stuff" and your personal judgment clouded by functional fixedness limits your creativity in responding to your child.
If you are an emotionally intelligent and resilient person, with a solid understanding of human nature, a healthy supply of patience, humility, and love, strong deductive and inductive reasoning powers, and the freedom to concentrate on the new, exciting, and very important task of parenting, then you are capable of being an outstanding parent. If you have deficits*, all the "stuff" in the world will not make up for them (and it is my belief that some of the "stuff" will actually exacerbate the situation). Being introspective with an orientation toward learning is the key toward self-improvement and also toward better parenting (in my opinion).
Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting had some influence on the views expressed above and, for that, deserves some credit**. Kohn offers a unique perspective on parenting; with strong and plentiful arguments in opposition of traditional parenting practices such as reward and punishment (which he rejects in favor of love and reason). Kohn does not constrain the scope of his instruction to children of a certain age nor does he organize his prescriptions in a manner that clearly communicates the different nuances at various ages; this, I believe, does a disservice to the reader because it requires him or her to identify, logically organize, and recognize those nuances for him- or herself. However, Kohn does explicitly state that the strategy and application changes through the various stages of development and that parents should use the age-appropriate response.
"That's all good and well in practice, but how does it work in theory?" (University of Chicago T-Shirt)
Kohn makes a lot of good arguments against the practices traditionally employed in parenting, due to the fact they are supported by flawed theory and demonstrated to achieve negative or inferior, unintended (and at times opposite from intended) outcomes. In place of the flawed theory of parenting and the mostly effective (at least in the immediate sense, in getting kids to do what you want) practices, he offers a perfect (in his and my opinions) theory of parenting. Sadly the perfect theory (as many perfect theories) is challenging to practice. The challenge posed in this case, I believe, is mostly due to the fact that unconditional parenting requires parents to give up a large amount of control (and who doesn't like control?).
Kohn encourages parents to have humility, respect, patience, and love for their children, so much so that they put the kids' needs and feelings above their own, keeping themselves grounded by asking questions like "How important is my request that they do 'x' right now in the grand scheme of things?" and "Is my request reasonable and aimed at accomplishing my long-term goals for my kids or is it rather a request that is self-centered, aimed merely at controlling the present behavior of the child?"
Kohn asks us to evaluate the message we are sending to our children when, for example, we (their parents / the only people who are biologically programmed to love them) intentionally inflict pain upon them (call it punishment, consequences, time-out, or by any other name...).
"How we feel about our kids isn't as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them" (Unconditional Parenting, pg. 20).
We may say we love our kids unconditionally, but when we put them on time-out (for example), their experience of that love is that it is conditional: we are withholding our love for the fact that they did something that didn't please us.
I think the strongest arguments Kohn makes against punishment are 1. that it causes negative emotions, 2. that it erodes the parent-child relationship, and 3. that the fear of punishment will make the child self-interested and self-centered in his or her evaluation of whether to perform an action (ie. the child won't do 'x' because he or she fears punishment instead of for the superior reason that 'x' will cause someone else pain or sadness).
There are a few other notable prescriptions made by Kohn that I would be remiss to exclude from this post:
- Talk less, ask more. Avoid offering approval or judgment; describe and invite reflection instead.
- Respect and seek to understand the child's perspective always. Otherwise you may ascribe ill intentions to your child and, because your negative evaluation is likely to be understood by the child, this may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy!
- Help your kids construct solid arguments. Even if their argument will not win, they will benefit from being better at respectfully arguing their position.
I would highly recommend Alfie Kohn's book to any parent. His writing and content shows that he has considered his prescriptions and their opposing arguments from all angles and can talk intelligently on the subjects of parental love and discipline. Even if you don't buy into "unconditional parenting" as a comprehensive system for child-rearing, reading this book you will be moved to consider one intelligent person's informed and worthwhile*** perspective on the subjects of love and punishment. And, I dare say, that consideration will change you for the better.
* I am using "you" and "deficits" in a non-judgmental way here. I do not aim to impose my definition of deficiency on you nor do I care to pass judgment on whether you are deficient. That's for you to decide.
** Obviously, I believe the writer deserves positive credit for his contribution to my views (which I believe are lucid). If you disagree with the views, then for you the credit owed to Mr. Kohn would be negative.
*** In my opinion.
I personally look forward to finding out what works and doesn't work with my own child, in my own way. I would like to, and believe that I will benefit from, developing my own parenting style and perspective. I also know that my style will be unique, but also informed by the synthesis of my reading and the personal experiences others have shared with me. I understand the enormity of the responsibility and privilege placed upon me and do not take it lightly. But I also don't intend to approach parenting with a comprehensive system or fully stocked nursery.
Why?
Because I think that a large (and important) part of parenting is responding to your child's needs. In order to do that, you must be attuned to your child, have an open mind, and have the means to acquire what is necessary to satisfy the child's needs. As my husband succinctly put it last night, having a room full of "stuff" and your personal judgment clouded by functional fixedness limits your creativity in responding to your child.
If you are an emotionally intelligent and resilient person, with a solid understanding of human nature, a healthy supply of patience, humility, and love, strong deductive and inductive reasoning powers, and the freedom to concentrate on the new, exciting, and very important task of parenting, then you are capable of being an outstanding parent. If you have deficits*, all the "stuff" in the world will not make up for them (and it is my belief that some of the "stuff" will actually exacerbate the situation). Being introspective with an orientation toward learning is the key toward self-improvement and also toward better parenting (in my opinion).
Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting had some influence on the views expressed above and, for that, deserves some credit**. Kohn offers a unique perspective on parenting; with strong and plentiful arguments in opposition of traditional parenting practices such as reward and punishment (which he rejects in favor of love and reason). Kohn does not constrain the scope of his instruction to children of a certain age nor does he organize his prescriptions in a manner that clearly communicates the different nuances at various ages; this, I believe, does a disservice to the reader because it requires him or her to identify, logically organize, and recognize those nuances for him- or herself. However, Kohn does explicitly state that the strategy and application changes through the various stages of development and that parents should use the age-appropriate response.
"That's all good and well in practice, but how does it work in theory?" (University of Chicago T-Shirt)
Kohn makes a lot of good arguments against the practices traditionally employed in parenting, due to the fact they are supported by flawed theory and demonstrated to achieve negative or inferior, unintended (and at times opposite from intended) outcomes. In place of the flawed theory of parenting and the mostly effective (at least in the immediate sense, in getting kids to do what you want) practices, he offers a perfect (in his and my opinions) theory of parenting. Sadly the perfect theory (as many perfect theories) is challenging to practice. The challenge posed in this case, I believe, is mostly due to the fact that unconditional parenting requires parents to give up a large amount of control (and who doesn't like control?).
Kohn encourages parents to have humility, respect, patience, and love for their children, so much so that they put the kids' needs and feelings above their own, keeping themselves grounded by asking questions like "How important is my request that they do 'x' right now in the grand scheme of things?" and "Is my request reasonable and aimed at accomplishing my long-term goals for my kids or is it rather a request that is self-centered, aimed merely at controlling the present behavior of the child?"
Kohn asks us to evaluate the message we are sending to our children when, for example, we (their parents / the only people who are biologically programmed to love them) intentionally inflict pain upon them (call it punishment, consequences, time-out, or by any other name...).
"How we feel about our kids isn't as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them" (Unconditional Parenting, pg. 20).
We may say we love our kids unconditionally, but when we put them on time-out (for example), their experience of that love is that it is conditional: we are withholding our love for the fact that they did something that didn't please us.
I think the strongest arguments Kohn makes against punishment are 1. that it causes negative emotions, 2. that it erodes the parent-child relationship, and 3. that the fear of punishment will make the child self-interested and self-centered in his or her evaluation of whether to perform an action (ie. the child won't do 'x' because he or she fears punishment instead of for the superior reason that 'x' will cause someone else pain or sadness).
There are a few other notable prescriptions made by Kohn that I would be remiss to exclude from this post:
- Talk less, ask more. Avoid offering approval or judgment; describe and invite reflection instead.
- Respect and seek to understand the child's perspective always. Otherwise you may ascribe ill intentions to your child and, because your negative evaluation is likely to be understood by the child, this may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy!
- Help your kids construct solid arguments. Even if their argument will not win, they will benefit from being better at respectfully arguing their position.
I would highly recommend Alfie Kohn's book to any parent. His writing and content shows that he has considered his prescriptions and their opposing arguments from all angles and can talk intelligently on the subjects of parental love and discipline. Even if you don't buy into "unconditional parenting" as a comprehensive system for child-rearing, reading this book you will be moved to consider one intelligent person's informed and worthwhile*** perspective on the subjects of love and punishment. And, I dare say, that consideration will change you for the better.
* I am using "you" and "deficits" in a non-judgmental way here. I do not aim to impose my definition of deficiency on you nor do I care to pass judgment on whether you are deficient. That's for you to decide.
** Obviously, I believe the writer deserves positive credit for his contribution to my views (which I believe are lucid). If you disagree with the views, then for you the credit owed to Mr. Kohn would be negative.
*** In my opinion.
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