Unconditional Parenting

As was the case during my undergraduate education, the more I read nowadays, the less satisfied I feel with what I know (and I consider myself fairly well informed and well calibrated in that assessment). This past month, I varied my reading and activities to keep my interest in parenting literature alive. It seems like every writer has a comprehensive system to offer, and everyone who's ever raised a child also has convictions (formed from experience that is not necessarily generalizable, but from which they generalize nevertheless) about what works and doesn't.

I personally look forward to finding out what works and doesn't work with my own child, in my own way. I would like to, and believe that I will benefit from, developing my own parenting style and perspective. I also know that my style will be unique, but also informed by the synthesis of my reading and the personal experiences others have shared with me. I understand the enormity of the responsibility and privilege placed upon me and do not take it lightly. But I also don't intend to approach parenting with a comprehensive system or fully stocked nursery.

Why?

Because I think that a large (and important) part of parenting is responding to your child's needs. In order to do that, you must be attuned to your child, have an open mind, and have the means to acquire what is necessary to satisfy the child's needs. As my husband succinctly put it last night, having a room full of "stuff" and your personal judgment clouded by functional fixedness limits your creativity in responding to your child.

If you are an emotionally intelligent and resilient person, with a solid understanding of human nature, a healthy supply of patience, humility, and love, strong deductive and inductive reasoning powers, and the freedom to concentrate on the new, exciting, and very important task of parenting, then you are capable of being an outstanding parent. If you have deficits*, all the "stuff" in the world will not make up for them (and it is my belief that some of the "stuff" will actually exacerbate the situation). Being introspective with an orientation toward learning is the key toward self-improvement and also toward better parenting (in my opinion).

Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting had some influence on the views expressed above and, for that, deserves some credit**. Kohn offers a unique perspective on parenting; with strong and plentiful arguments in opposition of traditional parenting practices such as reward and punishment (which he rejects in favor of love and reason). Kohn does not constrain the scope of his instruction to children of a certain age nor does he organize his prescriptions in a manner that clearly communicates the different nuances at various ages; this, I believe, does a disservice to the reader because it requires him or her to identify, logically organize, and recognize those nuances for him- or herself. However, Kohn does explicitly state that the strategy and application changes through the various stages of development and that parents should use the age-appropriate response.

"That's all good and well in practice, but how does it work in theory?" (University of Chicago T-Shirt)

Kohn makes a lot of good arguments against the practices traditionally employed in parenting, due to the fact they are supported by flawed theory and demonstrated to achieve negative or inferior, unintended (and at times opposite from intended) outcomes. In place of the flawed theory of parenting and the mostly effective (at least in the immediate sense, in getting kids to do what you want) practices, he offers a perfect (in his and my opinions) theory of parenting. Sadly the perfect theory (as many perfect theories) is challenging to practice. The challenge posed in this case, I believe, is mostly due to the fact that unconditional parenting requires parents to give up a large amount of control (and who doesn't like control?).

Kohn encourages parents to have humility, respect, patience, and love for their children, so much so that they put the kids' needs and feelings above their own, keeping themselves grounded by asking questions like "How important is my request that they do 'x' right now in the grand scheme of things?" and "Is my request reasonable and aimed at accomplishing my long-term goals for my kids or is it rather a request that is self-centered, aimed merely at controlling the present behavior of the child?"

Kohn asks us to evaluate the message we are sending to our children when, for example, we (their parents / the only people who are biologically programmed to love them) intentionally inflict pain upon them (call it punishment, consequences, time-out, or by any other name...).

"How we feel about our kids isn't as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them" (Unconditional Parenting, pg. 20).

We may say we love our kids unconditionally, but when we put them on time-out (for example), their experience of that love is that it is conditional: we are withholding our love for the fact that they did something that didn't please us.

I think the strongest arguments Kohn makes against punishment are 1. that it causes negative emotions, 2. that it erodes the parent-child relationship, and 3. that the fear of punishment will make the child self-interested and self-centered in his or her evaluation of whether to perform an action (ie. the child won't do 'x' because he or she fears punishment instead of for the superior reason that 'x' will cause someone else pain or sadness).

There are a few other notable prescriptions made by Kohn that I would be remiss to exclude from this post:
- Talk less, ask more. Avoid offering approval or judgment; describe and invite reflection instead.
- Respect and seek to understand the child's perspective always. Otherwise you may ascribe ill intentions to your child and, because your negative evaluation is likely to be understood by the child, this may result in a self-fulfilling prophecy!
- Help your kids construct solid arguments. Even if their argument will not win, they will benefit from being better at respectfully arguing their position.

I would highly recommend Alfie Kohn's book to any parent. His writing and content shows that he has considered his prescriptions and their opposing arguments from all angles and can talk intelligently on the subjects of parental love and discipline. Even if you don't buy into "unconditional parenting" as a comprehensive system for child-rearing, reading this book you will be moved to consider one intelligent person's informed and worthwhile*** perspective on the subjects of love and punishment. And, I dare say, that consideration will change you for the better.

* I am using "you" and "deficits" in a non-judgmental way here. I do not aim to impose my definition of deficiency on you nor do I care to pass judgment on whether you are deficient. That's for you to decide.
** Obviously, I believe the writer deserves positive credit for his contribution to my views (which I believe are lucid). If you disagree with the views, then for you the credit owed to Mr. Kohn would be negative.
*** In my opinion.