One of the biggest challenges for me as a nursing mother has been deciding how I feel about nursing in public. As a high school debater, I became very good at seeing reasons for and against just about anything, so I have been cognitively stuck running in circles trying to figure out what reasons to use in my decision-making and general attitude toward nursing in public.
I have been breastfeeding for seven months. I’ve nursed in restaurants, at board meetings, at Mom’s Club meetings, at family and friends’ homes, in malls and retail stores, in the car, and in bathrooms when I’m unclear about whether it would be appropriate to do it out*. I started out pretty conservative and, with time and the increasing need to just get out and get things done, I have begun to push myself repeatedly outside of my comfort zone. Now, I am pretty consistently overriding my natural instinct to hide and, for my peace of mind, I need to rationalize this. So here it is:
Reasons for (nursing in public):
1. Freedom to leave the home as needed, regardless of how long ago the last feeding was and when the next is to be expected: When I was breastfeeding in private every three hours for the first several months, I felt chained to the nursing chair. Nursing would take about 20 minutes (thankfully, that is relatively short because *TMI alert* my baby is a guzzler) and then the mandatory burping would take up to 20 additional minutes. Before nursing, a diaper change would take anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, depending on the magnitude of the mess and whether redressing was required. So, as I usually took these things to be a package deal, that is up to 55 minutes that I would spend with Holly for each feeding. If I have 3 hours between feedings and 55 minutes are already used in the process of each feeding, then that leaves me with 2 hours and 5 minutes to “do stuff”. I’m pretty efficient at packing, but still, anytime I want to go anywhere I have to get Holly into the infant seat and get her bag, my bag, and anything else I need and lug it down 3 flights of stairs; that’s 15 minutes easy. If I have to drive any considerable distance, that reduces my available time even more. So let’s say that I have 1 hour and 30 minutes before I have to head back home. Not only is that depressing, but how much can one woman do in that time?!
2. Fostering cognitive control (in particular, the ability to block out distractions) in the infant: Because I spent the first several months breastfeeding in perfect quiet**, now Holly has a difficult time nursing in noisier environments. If I say something or try to have a snack during her meal, she stops and looks up at me like I am interrupting. Cute as she is while she is doing this, that concerns me. I think it is very important for a baby that’s hungry to be able to eat when given food. Higher cognitive control (fostered through nursing in public, among other things) would give her the ability to do this and would also correlate to greater later academic success for her.
3. Being able to promptly respond to baby’s needs without feeling resentful or alienated: Meeting the baby’s needs is very important, especially in the beginning, which is why doctors now encourage breastfeeding on demand***. So where do you meet those needs: do you bare it where you are sitting, perhaps around company or amid complete strangers, or do you run to the bathroom or the car or another accessible room? It is my strong feeling that leaving the scene is disruptive and personally alienating. If you have friends over for only a couple hours, you may be resentful of your baby for making you miss out on half that time. If you are at a restaurant and you’ve placed your order, you will likely return to a cold meal. Unless you’ve ordered a salad, that is not okay. I consumed a lot of cold meals early on. Was I resentful? Yes. ****
4. Delighting in the convenience of ready-to-drink milk for your baby anywhere, anytime: Bottle feeding takes forethought, resources, and preparation. Nursing takes unhooking a strap. Enough said.
Now that we all know that breastfeeding in public is awesome, I really want to hear some perspectives on when (if at all) you think it is not “proper” to do so.
Here are the considerations that I struggle with:
1. Married men: I am very discreet, but even being discreet, sometimes my baby is squirmy and/or garments move, so (for a split second until I correct it) you may be able to see a nipple or part of a boob. I’m not so worried about men sneaking a peak*****, what concerns me is whether their wives are worried about it. I don’t want to step on any toes! Married women and anyone else who is able to empathize with married women, I would love to hear your perspectives on this.
2. Single men: Here, again, I am not so worried about someone sneaking a peak, what concerns me is whether single guys, particularly male friends of mine, are comfortable with seeing me nurse and whether my husband is comfortable with it. Luckily, we’ve got some of those on the blog too! Please share your perspective!
3. In-laws, particularly those which are married and conservative: I don't know if the cues I have observed so far (like males evacuating the room when nursing is imminent) are an expression of respect for my privacy or an expression of unease with being around me for this. This is of no consequence when we're in someone's home, but what about when we go out to a restaurant? Am I free to choose to nurse at the table? If they were merely respecting my privacy, then that should be fine. But if they were leaving the room because they are uncomfortable with this, then I am putting them in an awkward position. What to do?!
Thank you all for reading and I look forward to hearing your perspectives!
* A practice I have discontinued since realizing that bathrooms are gross. Would you eat your dinner in a public restroom? I wouldn't... why should my baby be expected to?
** Inference
*** The main opposition to breastfeeding on demand is that it encourages “snacking”. In the seven months I have been nursing, I have not encountered this; but maybe my baby is that awesome.
**** By this time, maybe you are wondering if I’ve heard of this wonderful invention called the breast pump and the accompanying equally awesome invention called a bottle. Yes. My baby rejects the bottle and I don’t have any interest in forcing it on her. I’m sure with repetition and patience, I can teach her; but I see that as a net negative: high cost for little gain.
***** At least right now, I find it hard to think of boobs as sexy because they are food!
Nice post, Nelly. Since you're soliciting opinions, let me just say that it wouldn't bother me if you breastfed your baby in front of me. It would certainly be a bit strange for me at first, but nothing I couldn't quickly get over. It would likely be different if we were unacquainted, however.
ReplyDeleteAlso, could you elaborate on how being discrete helps alleviate the awkwardness? I didn't follow that. I know most mothers try to be discreet, but I've never heard of any attempting to be discrete. I await your response.
I'm glad you're writiing again :) It's very interesting to hear your perspective and all you have to go through!! As a married woman, I wouldn't worry about Pape seeing anythiing. Although maybe that's bc in Africa it's boobs out all over the place to breastfeed! That was somewhat awkward for me for a bit. Hehe. Glad you aren't eatng cold food anymore!! I have much more respect for your seven months of breastfeeding :) -- you go girl!
ReplyDeleteNice post, honey! I'm happy you found time to write - and a very interesting topic also!
ReplyDeleteI'll attempt to answer a couple of your questions...
I wouldn't feel uncomfortable with you breastfeeding in front of my husband, but that's probably because we are family. :) If an acquaintance or stranger did this, I would feel a bit uncomfortable (only because it "feels like" nudity that can be avoided in a public setting.)
Also... I wonder if there are any studies that have been done related to nursing in public and children's ability to focus and ignore distractions later on in life (school)?
As for my other thoughts/reactions ... First, I want to say they are obviously completely and utterly ignorant, as I have never been a mother and you have. :) So, please take the rest of this post almost as "humor" you can chuckle at. I guess we'll see what I really do as a mother one day.
I have a feeling that one day when/if I become a mom, I will choose to breastfeed discreetly and/or get my baby used to a bottle for a couple of reasons (not in any particular order):
1. Personal confidence - feeling like my boobs are "food" will likely impact my confidence, etc, so I would avoid objectifying them this way in public. It will likely take conscious effort, but I would attempt to maintain some focus on my own health (mental, physical, etc), so I can feel happy and fulfilled.
2. Convenience - although the baby's convenience and health is priority 1, I can achieve that with a bottle, so I find it to be an acceptable balance to go through the pain of getting him/her used to it if they're "not havin' it". :) After all, if I'm not feeling happy, that is bad for the baby, so in the end the benefit in my eyes outweighs the cost of changing the baby's habits.
Aside from my personal preferences, I'm really proud of my little sister (that's you!) and the way she puts her baby first ALWAYS. You are not shy or afraid to do just about anything to respond to Holly's needs and I admire you for that. :) She is one lucky baby.
Thank you Billy, Tara, and Milena for your thoughtful responses on this somewhat controversial topic! I am really happy that you took the time to share your perspectives with me.
ReplyDeleteI remember the first time I witnessed a mother breastfeeding: I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and chatting with a neighbor, who had recently given birth, in her condo. Her baby girl was hungry and my neighbor started to make preparations to feed her (preparations including draping a nursing cover - which I don't use). I remember attempting to leave, out of respect for their privacy and a little awkwardness, but she invited me, Kyle, and my mom (who was visiting at the time) to stay and continue our conversation. Our presence didn't seem to make her uncomfortable, so I fought my awkwardness and stayed. Being 2 weeks shy of motherhood, I experienced the same feelings that I am now trying to protect others from feeling. It's so funny how sometimes things come full circle.
I'm realizing that it will likely always be awkward for any observer, at least the first time they are in the presence of me or another mother nursing in public. Drawing from my personal experience, the awkwardness comes from a desire to respect the mother's privacy. After all, nursing can be perceived as a pretty intimate act. But, like I did 8 months ago, most people will take their cues from the nursing mother when deciding whether to feel awkward about being present. I feel that this little exercise certainly helped to alleviate some of the awkwardness for me, which in turn will help to alleviate it for those around me.
Billy, all mothers are discrete. Some mothers are also discreet.