And Baby Makes Three

Intuition would tell us that the birth of a child brings husband and wife closer together. It appears to me self-evident that this is true in the delivery room as the parents share in the joy of the momentous occasion. Witnessing their baby's birth is perhaps the most precious experience for a husband and wife; but evidently caring for the baby afterward is stressful on the couple. If unchecked, sadly, that stress has the power to dissolve the marriage (and it often does).

Recent research suggests that a majority of marital relationships suffer a significant decline in intimacy and satisfaction after bringing baby home. Acclaimed psychology researcher John Gottman and his wife, clinical psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman, wrote "And Baby Makes Three" to instruct and equip new parents with the knowledge and tools to prevent - or turn back - the decline of their marriage after the firstborn. By design, the book is accessible and eye-opening; definitely a must-read. But most importantly to me, it is based on solid research: "And Baby Makes Three" is based on years upon years of experimental research, clinical observation, and meticulous analysis.

To provide guidance to new parents, John and Julie draw on lessons and examples from couples who have successfully transitioned into parenthood (that is, couples who managed to preserve their intimacy and high marital satisfaction after bringing baby home). What made these couples successful? For a complete account (as well as exercises on how to prepare your relationship for the transition), read the book.

Here's what I found note-worthy (but a very limited and imperfect account at best):

1. When you select a partner, you select the unresolvable problems of the relationship you will have (as these unresolvable problems are determined by the deep rooted convictions that your partner brings to the table, which contradict your own). Any different partner would come with a different set of unresolvable problems. Assuming you made the right partner decision, accept the unresolvable problems and be willing to communicate about and compromise on those problems for the duration of the relationship. It is important to understand that the unresolvable problems never go away, but you can build understanding around them.

2. Be willing to listen and understand what drives your partner's speech or behavior.

3. Resist the temptation to snap back to a negative remark or action. Cool down your conflicts.

4. Find ways to self-soothe when you're flooding (when your blood is rushing in your veins and you have a strong urge to offend, belittle, yell, abuse, criticize, fight back, etc) during a conflict. Communicate to your partner that you are taking this time so that your action is not viewed as a silent treatment, which will exacerbate the conflict.

As you can see, the prescriptions found in the book also apply more generally to how to behave in a loving relationship. This may lead one to believe that the couples whose relationship suffers after the firstborn are those who were not at this optimal level of interaction in the first place. In this case, the relationship advice John and Julie are providing would have been helpful to these couples before the baby. After the baby, learning these habits of interaction is not only helpful to the couple but necessary for the family's survival.

The reason why it becomes so vital to have good habits of interaction after the baby arrives is because the newborn causes the new parents sleep deprivation and also demands almost constant attention from them. This creates problems such as mood imbalance (irritability, impatience, etc) and neglect for the marital relationship respectively. This has the potential to breed a lot of negative interactions between the parents, especially if they forget how to be loving toward one another.

I am grateful to the Gottmans and the research community for heightening my awareness of the challenges posed to new parents so I can be better prepared to meet them. I hope that this post has made you more aware as well.

If you want to learn more, consider taking one of Gottmans' Bringing Baby Home workshops in your area.